We are fast approaching Father's Day, and the second one for me without my father. If you are not up to speed on my blog, my father took his own life last year on February 13th, 2010. Of course, the first Father's Day without him was very difficult, it almost seems a blur to me now. However, I am thankful this year that it is not feeling so hard. I don't know what kind of day it will be yet. Often in grief, the severity of emotions you experience is unpredictable. It's common to have a few good days and then to have one that knocks you off your feet. You just learn to walk through it one day at a time, accepting what comes and dealing with it when it arrives.
I am thankful that I have been able to recover from some incredibly deep periods of depression over the last 16 months. More than once I have chosen to look this monster in the eye and say "I don't care how big and ugly you are, you're in my way." I have said it before and I'll say it again. I believe firmly that God has placed me here for a time and a purpose and given me His love and power to walk through the evil that is present in this world. I don't know what reason you have for living, but after losing my father, I had to make some tough decisions about living on this planet. And I'm still here, not because I've had great ability to persevere through this hardship, but because I've continued to turn to a God who has already conquered death and has blessed me with life. I will live, and not die, to declare the works of the Lord (Psalm 118:17).
I am thankful for my father. He was warm, loving, and genuine. He was a giver. He was opinionated, but he listened well when I thought something different, and I thought a lot different. He was proud of his sons for all their accomplishments. He believed in family, and stuck very close to his own. He loved music, and he loved my love for music. He was goofy, and proud of it. He was like his father. "Oh, Herb!!!" my grandmother used to say in a tizzy (Herb was my grandfather). Then "Oh, Bobby!!!" came later, usually after Dad did something crazy or goofy, or just plain obnoxious. I think he liked to be obnoxious for his mother (and probably his two sisters as well)! He was proud of his work and loved to share it with anyone who would listen. (I wish I had listened a little more on that one.) He loved to talk with people about everything. You just had to be careful about those "soap boxes" he'd get on! You'd never hear the end of it. He loved movies. He loved lighthouses. He loved dogs. He loved traveling. He loved morning coffee. He loved cherry flavored candy. He loved cars, especially his corvette. You know, he loved. And I loved him.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
A Few Good Days
Things are looking up recently.
I mean, I have noticed myself viewing my world without fighting to see through a cloud of depression. I may have talked about it before, but grief and depression are different, though sometimes hard to distinguish from each other. I have suffered with both over the last 16 months. What often happens is that grief will come with depression behind it. Depression, like any other illness, can manifest through various symptoms, not necessarily all at the same time. One common symptom is hopelessness. Having lived through such deep grief at this point, I have begun to learn the difference between grief and depression, but it's taken a lot of time and hard work. And it's rarely been as simple as dealing with just one or two emotions. But when you live for a time under a feeling of hopelessness and it lifts, it's rather obvious. At times I've just become used to feeling it and then one day I look up and realize it's not there. Maybe it'll be back tomorrow, but tomorrow is not what I'm living right now, so I'll take today.
So what then is the explanation? Why the ebb and flow? I'm no expert, but I'll tell you at least one answer from my experience. It's simple in concept, yet not so easy in practice. Thought. Our thoughts have a lot to do with our feelings and if you are a Christian, hopefully you understand how important your thoughts are. We are to be guided by good thoughts, persevere against bad thoughts, and even war against thoughts that exalt themselves against the knowledge of God. God tells us to bring all of our thoughts to him, asking whatever we need, to cast our cares upon him. He tells us to think on things that are pure. He tells us to take every thought captive and into obedience to Christ. Paul says we have the mind of Christ.
So God wants us to discern our thoughts as well as take action with them. Our mind and thoughts greatly affect our body; the two are connected. If you think fearfully, your body will manifest that feeling physically. I know it's not always so easy to discern, but I believe the mind-body connection is in operation more often than we realize. So when I feel hopeless, I work to think of scriptures that speak of hope and purpose. I often go to Ephesians 2:10:
Sometimes, this is the only thing I can think apart from the weight of hopelessness and depression. And it doesn't always change my feelings instantly. I sure wish it did. But often, dare I say most of the time, we have to wait. So I think of this verse and I say "God, I believe what you are telling me here, and I'm going to put one foot in front of the other in faith that you will release me from the darkness I feel and give me hope for better." And while it may be in the midst of the hardest time of your life, God WILL renew your strength as you WAIT upon him. That is His word to you. We walk by faith and not by sight.
I have been through this process countless times, and again, it sounds easier than it is in practice. It's not an easy, feel-good, happy-Christian fix. It's a get down and dirty with your sin, dig your heels in, resist the devil, and stand firm in your faith kind of thing. And it is imperative, because the thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy.
Till next time,
Jeremy
I mean, I have noticed myself viewing my world without fighting to see through a cloud of depression. I may have talked about it before, but grief and depression are different, though sometimes hard to distinguish from each other. I have suffered with both over the last 16 months. What often happens is that grief will come with depression behind it. Depression, like any other illness, can manifest through various symptoms, not necessarily all at the same time. One common symptom is hopelessness. Having lived through such deep grief at this point, I have begun to learn the difference between grief and depression, but it's taken a lot of time and hard work. And it's rarely been as simple as dealing with just one or two emotions. But when you live for a time under a feeling of hopelessness and it lifts, it's rather obvious. At times I've just become used to feeling it and then one day I look up and realize it's not there. Maybe it'll be back tomorrow, but tomorrow is not what I'm living right now, so I'll take today.
So what then is the explanation? Why the ebb and flow? I'm no expert, but I'll tell you at least one answer from my experience. It's simple in concept, yet not so easy in practice. Thought. Our thoughts have a lot to do with our feelings and if you are a Christian, hopefully you understand how important your thoughts are. We are to be guided by good thoughts, persevere against bad thoughts, and even war against thoughts that exalt themselves against the knowledge of God. God tells us to bring all of our thoughts to him, asking whatever we need, to cast our cares upon him. He tells us to think on things that are pure. He tells us to take every thought captive and into obedience to Christ. Paul says we have the mind of Christ.
So God wants us to discern our thoughts as well as take action with them. Our mind and thoughts greatly affect our body; the two are connected. If you think fearfully, your body will manifest that feeling physically. I know it's not always so easy to discern, but I believe the mind-body connection is in operation more often than we realize. So when I feel hopeless, I work to think of scriptures that speak of hope and purpose. I often go to Ephesians 2:10:
"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them."
Sometimes, this is the only thing I can think apart from the weight of hopelessness and depression. And it doesn't always change my feelings instantly. I sure wish it did. But often, dare I say most of the time, we have to wait. So I think of this verse and I say "God, I believe what you are telling me here, and I'm going to put one foot in front of the other in faith that you will release me from the darkness I feel and give me hope for better." And while it may be in the midst of the hardest time of your life, God WILL renew your strength as you WAIT upon him. That is His word to you. We walk by faith and not by sight.
I have been through this process countless times, and again, it sounds easier than it is in practice. It's not an easy, feel-good, happy-Christian fix. It's a get down and dirty with your sin, dig your heels in, resist the devil, and stand firm in your faith kind of thing. And it is imperative, because the thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy.
Till next time,
Jeremy
Saturday, June 4, 2011
I'm Still Here...
Well, I'm still here, but "avoidance" is the word of the day (or month, as it may be). My M.O. is generally avoidance when I'm having a hard time with something. And I've been having a hard time with the topic this blog is supposed to be based on. Grief. It is ultimately the reason I'm here (in the blogosphere), and I have wanted only to write about the good things so far, but reality is not always good, nor is it easy. Sometimes it's just ugly, and just plain hard.
I've been inspired lately by my cousin Laura and her blog about weight loss. You can, and should, view it here:
http://weightlossinafastfoodworld.blogspot.com/
Laura and I have a few things in common, including a relatively honest disposition toward life in general. So I've been reading her blog and realizing that I was avoiding mine. So here I am again, but this time my goal is not to provide an "answer" to the dilemma. Sometimes the answer has yet to be found, and you must continue taking steps forward until you pass through the thing that's holding you back.
Grief is a monster. Grief is not simple. It is complex and difficult to understand, and harder to live. I don't know what grief you've been through in life, but for those dealing with losing someone to suicide, it all seems much more complex. The time it takes to walk through this, though I'm not sure when or if "through" actually happens, can vary from a couple of years to a couple of decades for some. I have met people who are functioning relatively well only a few months after the loss, and I've met some who are 3 or 4 years out and still struggling deeply with crippling depression and anxiety. I've just learned that you can't judge how a person goes through the grief process because you don't really know all of the factors involved. For instance, grieving my father's death has included almost every issue of loss I've ever dealt with in life at some time or another. On any given day, I may not feel much about my dad, but I may be again grieving my parents' divorce, or any number of other losses I've experienced.
So don't underestimate what someone might be going through in grief. And never tell them that they just need to "get over it and move on." That will immediately alienate them from you. Grief is a very personal process and you probably run into people that are dealing with grief all the time. No, we don't want to be defined by our grief, but sometimes we are all too aware of the need to function in a "normal" world while still being hammered by the myriad of emotions grief can bring.
Till next time,
Jeremy
I've been inspired lately by my cousin Laura and her blog about weight loss. You can, and should, view it here:
http://weightlossinafastfoodworld.blogspot.com/
Laura and I have a few things in common, including a relatively honest disposition toward life in general. So I've been reading her blog and realizing that I was avoiding mine. So here I am again, but this time my goal is not to provide an "answer" to the dilemma. Sometimes the answer has yet to be found, and you must continue taking steps forward until you pass through the thing that's holding you back.
Grief is a monster. Grief is not simple. It is complex and difficult to understand, and harder to live. I don't know what grief you've been through in life, but for those dealing with losing someone to suicide, it all seems much more complex. The time it takes to walk through this, though I'm not sure when or if "through" actually happens, can vary from a couple of years to a couple of decades for some. I have met people who are functioning relatively well only a few months after the loss, and I've met some who are 3 or 4 years out and still struggling deeply with crippling depression and anxiety. I've just learned that you can't judge how a person goes through the grief process because you don't really know all of the factors involved. For instance, grieving my father's death has included almost every issue of loss I've ever dealt with in life at some time or another. On any given day, I may not feel much about my dad, but I may be again grieving my parents' divorce, or any number of other losses I've experienced.
So don't underestimate what someone might be going through in grief. And never tell them that they just need to "get over it and move on." That will immediately alienate them from you. Grief is a very personal process and you probably run into people that are dealing with grief all the time. No, we don't want to be defined by our grief, but sometimes we are all too aware of the need to function in a "normal" world while still being hammered by the myriad of emotions grief can bring.
Till next time,
Jeremy
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