Anger & Pain

I've been experiencing a lot of anger toward my father lately for leaving me.  It seems to be the default emotion when I think about him, at least it has been for a while now.  I was talking with a friend online the other day and she suggested that maybe the anger was easier than feeling the pain.  I've been reflecting on that profound statement ever since.  And I agree.

It's easier for me to be angry at my father than to feel the wealth of painful emotions that have come since losing him to suicide.  The thing is that I hate feeling weak.  Don't we all?  (It's probably a control issue.)  Opening myself up to feel the pain of his abandonment makes me feel weak.  I think it also scares me, even 13 months after the fact.

I was talking to my wife about this and she pointed out that anger tends to be an acceptable emotion for men in our society.  Other negative emotional states are generally frowned upon.  Crying is sometimes viewed as a sign of weakness.  Men don't usually say "my feelings are hurt."  We mostly grow up learning to be angry partly because we're not judged in our masculinity for that.  The problem, of course, is that the other emotions are still there.  Our ability to deal with them as men has a lot to do with being willing to feel them. 

Honestly, I'm struggling right now.  I don't want to feel what's really there.  It hurts too badly sometimes.  I want to move forward with my life and I'm angry at dad for slowing it all down.  But the reality is he did what he did.  He left.  I have to accept that.  And believe me, I have, many times.  Some things we just have to work to accept everyday. 

So what do you think?  Have you found anger to be a cover-up for pain?  Is it easier to hold on to anger than release pain?  Do you find a sense of control in being angry sometimes that wouldn't be present if you let it go?  Really, comment below.  I'd like to hear your thoughts.

Till next time,

Jeremy