Stop Striving!

Are we striving to be somebody we're not so that others will approve? 

Are we seeking to look better on the outside than we truly are on the inside?

That's an exhausting process.  Our culture often tells us that we can't really be ourselves.  We must be "friendly" and "professional" and "reasonable."  But truth is, sometimes we're not.  For some of us, we're okay with that, we just express it.  For others, we can't stand the thought that someone would disapprove, so we try even harder to cover up what's really there.  Is that always a bad thing?  Certainly not.  Common sense would dictate that there's a time and a place for everything.  But when we spend years trying to shove everything that we are, that we think, that we feel, inside without expressing it, it becomes a prison.

During the grieving process in the past year, I've come to understand that a lot of my personality has been tucked away inside where nobody can really find it, not even myself at times.  Growing up, I often felt trapped and alone.  The abandonment of my father's suicide brought up a lot of that stuff again.  Part of my defense was to hide within myself, so that no one could really see the authentic me.  I'd just be whoever you wanted me to be, say whatever you wanted me to say.  Maybe I figured people couldn't really reject me if I wasn't there to begin with.  But the other side to that coin was that I was rejecting myself by not allowing authentic expression.  It was a lose-lose situation. 

When I began writing about my grief, I discovered that it wouldn't kill me to be completely open with God and myself.  I wasn't so put together as I thought, and that was really okay.  The more I accepted the depth of my own feelings and brokenness, the more I found release in admitting them to God and myself (and sometimes others).  I also learned (again) that God accepts us right where we're at.  If we are in denial about our own sin, His hands are tied.  We must first recognize and take responsibility if God is going to move us toward healing.  You know, He really is big enough to handle ALL of our mess!

I believe my self-expression is becoming more and more authentic.  It's still not all that easy, but then there's a lifetime of habit to overcome, so I accept that it'll take time.  The truth that is making me free in this area is that God will always accept me, even when others reject me.  And between He and I, we're doing just fine.  :)

Till next time,

Jeremy